Loyalty

Commitment and communication along with love and respect for one another are four components of a wonderful and life-long marriage. A committed spouse is one who will honor the other spouse with a dedicated loyalty which cannot be broken because each spouse believes totally in their vows “till death do us part.” No matter what happens, the loyal spouse team will build the other up, protect the union, forgive where forgiveness is due, and provide the utmost of care and support for the other.

Another area of the marriage team that many couples, especially in this day and age neglect, is that of emotional baggage or childhood traumas that must be exposed and healed. Dealt with much like one would deal with an onion and peeling those layers till the end of the pain is either gone or neutral. Neutral pain is that pain that is at a normal level, one in which if you were to cut your hand, the average Sally would react in the same way.

When my hubby married me, my emotional baggage FROM not only childhood traumas but also from my previous marriage was a heavy load and the load was to become much heavier than I, much less him, could have ever imagined.  I didn’t know just how broken I was at that point because I had no idea what lay ahead.

As the almost last 4 years have progressed, we have progressed emotionally about 5 years. When we married, I was on the level emotionally much of the time to that of a 3-6 year old. Now, today, that emotional level is more towards the 9-10 year old. While we have a long way to go still, progress is being made.

That commitment, communication, support, encouragement, love, and care for my brokenness brings me closer every day to becoming a whole person. Each time hubby goes to my counseling with me, takes me to my chiropractor, spends that time talking to me about this issue or that issue, his righteous indignation over the horrors I’ve experienced, that trust he builds with me daily…builds me up more and more.  Adversity?  Absolutely!!  Committed? You bet. Loyal? Certainly!
Each issue I have, he makes an observation followed by some critical thinking on a deep, deep level, followed by an inquiry. For example, last Easter I was going to go buy some groceries and milk. I had planned to go to Aldi not realizing they were closed on Easter.

I dropped him off at work and headed merrily down the road, arrived in the parking lot and discovered to my dismay, that they were closed. I didn’t know what to do. I headed over to Wal-Mart but with all the kids screaming even in the parking lot, I could not think and did not know what to do. I happen to be on the phone with Momma at the same time and while it was a good thing, I lost it. I didn’t know how to figure out my problem.

I texted him and told him “I failed” and he asked what I meant. I texted back and told him I couldn’t do the shopping and was going home. Once home, I hung up with Momma, came in the house, and cried. I failed. I was such a bad wife. I didn’t deserve anything but punishment.

Obviously by now my readers are probably wondering who I was that day. I’m here to tell you that while I don’t know who I was, I know that I was NOT the competent adult but a child, maybe older child, but still a child driving that van.

In his dedication and desire to help “us”(our internal system and I) find a resolution to the problem, he inquired of me…”Were you ever able to ask for help when you couldn’t do something growing up?” to which I replied, “I always was required to figure it out on my own or be punished.” Therein lied the problem and therein lied the solution. From now on if I got into a situation like that, I was to ask for help from him and if he couldn’t help me, then I was to ask from another be it Momma or another friend and I was most certainly NOT a failure. Whoever it was that couldn’t do what needed was most certainly NOT a failure either but lacked the skills needed, due to the childhood traumas, to ask for help.

Once again, like my post “On Perfection,” hubby used his kind words, his observatory skills (and man does he have an arsenal of them), and his deeply loving care to share those things with me to help me succeed, to help me learn another set of skills I didn’t know. A man who would take a woman of 40+ years old who was a basic child emotionally and teach that child those emotional tools for life is a man who is loyal and knows what loyalty is.

To my hubby, I love you more than you’ll ever know. The risks you took in marrying me filled with the mission and desire to take the broken and shattered pieces of my life and put them together has taken so much work, love, patience, skill, compassion, and dedication to me, to your mission, and to our marriage. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. While I know we have a long journey ahead still, I know you will be right there beside me all the way. I love you. Your Sugar.

On Perfection

 

“The Bar”

There are several aspects to this blog post.  Starting out with something  I’d written 18 months ago as can be seen at the beginning, followed by something just a month ago, and ending with something today.  Truly I’m learning I don’t have to be perfect and I’m not a slave to make everything perfect.  I’m human just like everyone else.  While I can have a goal of best, if I don’t achieve that goal, I’m not to be criminalized either.  The journey towards wholeness means freedom.

Written January 2013:

Over the last few days I’ve once again wondered what my hubby expects of me, wondered if I was doing right, wondered, wondered, wondered…. you name it and fill in the blank…K?

Well, I gave him an omelet for dinner on Friday night full of potato, ham, onion, – you name it, it was in there!! I felt so guilty though…. like I was not doing right by him. My insecurities what they have been, I asked him again what his expectations of me where. He’s always had none and I’m not used to living with none. Also, I grew up in such a performance oriented love – which by the way I have recently found out isn’t love at all but acceptance which I never could achieve because I was never *good enough* – where the *bar* was set so high I could never reach it.

So, after dinner and a 4 belch compliment, I asked hubby once again what his expectations of me were and told him about said *bar*. I also had been told that I had very *unrealistic expectations* for myself but that when I don’t know what the expectations are, then my childhood expectations of it all kick in.

Here is where it gets wonderful because he said first off- we need to get rid of that *BAR.* He said “It’s about time then that we get rid of that bar.” No more bar. Then he told me that he has no expectations of me at all, that I do better than his first wife, and I’m doing fine.

I asked him “How am I doing on the house?” He said the house is just about perfect, he doesn’t have to do his own laundry, I do just about right on dishes though I miss a day here and there it’s fine, I make the bed here and there and it is fine, he doesn’t have to worry about tripping on anything during the night from bedroom to bathroom – a 45 foot trek one way – and that he felt comfortable. I was just about right.

So, then I asked him about meals and he said that I am just about right there too… no complaints and that he enjoyed something different for dinner like the omelet. Also I needed to not worry about perfection unless I was doing for catering! He appreciated my efforts and I’m perfect just the way I am.

SO, while my home isn’t the cleanest in mansions and glass castles, he doesn’t want it to be and he wants me to not feel so guilty for unrealistic expectations that he hasn’t even set. No ax will fall and all is well in his land.

He finally was able to tell this to the “right” gal on the inside. While I’ve asked him many other times about this stuff, the answer hasn’t ever gotten to the right insider so the fears have never subsided….. now? We are starting to relax and be ok with not being that busy Proverbs 31 woman we have been conditioned to be. It is but a step in the healing process; however, we can relax and we know we are loved for who we are even though we knew before we were loved for who we are, now we know we are really loved for who we are because there is no performance needed. Performance is for acceptance and acceptance can’t be given if the bar is continually raised. So, no bar, no performance needed, complete acceptance given and full no-strings, completely unconditional love for me from hubby…. I’m truly *blessed* beyond all comprehension. This is the man who literally and truly *saved* my life 3 years ago this past week. I love my Sweetie so much. He is my all, my hubby, and my love.

Fast forward to today with a post from May 9 as well:

As I think about today and the strides of the last 18 months since the original entry, I think about how much easier keeping up the house is, how much nicer my home is, how much I have learned, and the extremely loving hubby I have. Just a month ago I’d written this in a group on facebook:

May 9:
Even though I have been married to my loving hubby now almost 4 years, I still can’t get used to the care. In my former life, even when I had school work to do at night plus was in school during the day, the dishes and house was my responsibility no matter what……. oh, and then when I began piano – I had to also get in my practicing time but that house better be clean.
Now, hubby tells me when I say, “I’m such a bad housekeeper,” that we’ve been pretty busy of late. School has been very time consuming. That used to not ever matter I told him. He said, “that was then, this is now, you have a different life now” and yet, I still can’t get used to it. I don’t know that I’ll ever.
Never before have I been allowed to NOT complete the housework if I had a plausible reason for getting behind or not getting it done daily. It was never an excuse……. ever. I still don’t excuse myself but he feels I am too hard on myself…. there is a reason and that reason is very plausible.
Wow…..wow….wow. It’s almost 4 years and still…….. I’m dumbfounded at the love, care, compassion, gentleness, and forgiveness when I falter. To him, I’m always “good enough,” no….. “Just right!”

Hubby’s love for me doesn’t change but only grows….. his care, concern, and compassion only intensifies…. Yesterday when I mentioned the upcoming Father’s Day to him and that I knew the restaurants would be packed, he said that they probably wouldn’t be as packed as Mother’s Day because the dad’s get stiffed. I told him that most likely rather than stiffed, is the mom’s stay home and do up a big family function for dad. I told him I’d tried but I was not ever “good enough.” He told me once again, I was always “good enough” but that my spouse had just an over inflated opinion of himself and couldn’t see the beauty in me and my efforts….. see, hubby just keeps working to build me up… to show me he cares…. To be that hubby I have needed, to be that man in my life I never had….. to show me how men are supposed to care for women…… I truly AM blessed beyond all measure.

 

A Good Heart Hurt

Those who have good hearts and good natures to help others in tragedy and crisis, and I believe we all do, often find themselves in very difficult spots in life and being used, abused, and taken advantage of. Also, in my nature is the desire to make it all better for others. This has cost me dearly because I did not know that others would take advantage of me. Because I try never, ever to hurt another soul, I believe others to be the same. Unfortunately, I have learned a lot of lessons in life that have taught me that others do take advantage of someone like me and not all of those lessons have been kind to me.
Growing up as I did, I was taken advantage of drastically; however, I always had learned that I was to obey my elders no matter what and without question. Additionally, I learned the consequences of disobedience and it was not kind. I also learned the consequences of questioning authority – those consequences also were not kind. I have been told that I had the “Perfect Little Girl Syndrome” because of this mantra. I did.
Consequentially, this did not set me up well for adult life. Because of everything else I had endured through my childhood, this was one more area where I endured abuse throughout my adult life, until about 4 years ago when I married my hubby. He loves me and adores me. He is teaching me so much. He is taking those broken and shattered pieces of my life and helping me put them together to make a whole person.
The first abuses as an adult began in my first year of college by those who I called “friend.” Then the abuses continued in my second half-year of college but in a different way. Also, it was during this time I met my ex-spouse. I thought that if they were at a Christian university, that meant they were Christians. I learned that was not the case but not until many years later after I married him.
That marriage was one of abuses of many kinds. Basically I’d gone from the frying pan of childhood into the fire of adulthood and it was so very hard. I was a child, a multiple we learned later, trying to raise a little girl. I feel in my heart, I failed miserably; however, I’m told that isn’t the case. It must not be the case because she’s grown up to be a very responsible and well-adjusted adult. She will be 26 in a week. She’s the joy and delight of my life. Was it easy? No. Did I lose her for a time? Yes…. but she came back and our bond is stronger now than ever it was.
Another lesson I learned, though painful, after giving of myself for years, was the betrayal of a “friend.” The hardships, the losses, the time spent loving and caring, the constant financial help, the cleaning done in her apartment, and the times of carrying her through this or that crisis, were not easy but I did them because I did care. Not realizing I was aiding her behavior and not realizing I was being used, because not only had she become a mother figure to many of the little girls inside who were to always, without question, be obeyed, but also because I had no fight left in me, I gave everything I had left and that included my daughter.
While my daughter was 18 at the time she went with this friend and by law, there was nothing I could do, I still lost my daughter and many special “senior high” times with her. My daughter, I will say, wanted away; however, this “friend,” while she said she was helping, was truly interfering in parental difficulties instead. Those were some really rough years; however, my girl came back after she got her head straight. I will eternally be grateful for that call on January 31, 2010 from my daughter.
It was May of 2008 when I finally realized some of what this “friend” had done and I told her not to ever contact me again; however, I at that point, had lost everything: my first marriage, my home, my job, my health, and most of all, yes, I know I mentioned it already, my daughter. In September 2009, I finally lost my car. With no money and living on a worker’s compensation settlement, I did not know what to do.
Here I’d given of my heart, my all….. and I was so hurt. How could it be? Where would it lead? Also, I had very few friends at the time too as this lady, no longer friend, had isolated me so much that I hadn’t made many other friends. Constantly crying, constantly depressed, constantly in need not only physically but emotionally as well as many other areas, among those close friends I had, even some of them had had enough. I was so depressed and discouraged. I just wanted to die. I’d been so betrayed, so beaten down by life, so used and abused…… what was left? Nothing. It was not for another two years that my situation would really change; however, the losses have been restored many times over. Another post will encompass “Broken Things” but for now…….
Thank you for reading.
Sherry