Hubby shared this photo on my Facebook Timeline.
It is so very fitting for this post.
A journal entry, made in 2012:
“My Heart is Broken”
November 10, 2012
Dear Journal,
Feeling so empty, numb, and heavy-hearted. Such a burden to everyone around me. Why can’t I learn something and keep that knowledge in my head? Why can’t I remember something and repeat it back or explain it? There is so much I just don’t get, so much overwhelming my heart, so much sadness. I’m missing so much common knowledge.
Being 40 plus years old and not knowing what the Pentagon was until yesterday, the word or what it even was, I just feel lost in my world. My world outside my head. I love my hubby but only frustrate him. I just want to give up.
The world is so confusing and I feel so numb, dumb, and stupid. People tell me I am not yet with so little common knowledge how can I not be? When my Auntie tells me I am the most “ass backward” person she’s ever met-this does not compute. When people make comments referencing something I should know about but instead it leaves me scratching my head wondering what they mean, when hubby reads something and I don’t understand it though it should be so simple and it is for him; these are the times and the reasons I feel so dumb, stupid, and empty. My world in my head is dead but no one knows, no one understands, no one realizes the emptiness, the void, the pain of it all, the feelings.
My brain has been raped just as my body was all these years and my brain just like my body is spent. The problem with my brain unlike my body, is that I need my brain to think; something I was not allowed to do growing up so instead of my brain being used, it sat empty, lethargic, yet spent trying to not learn, not think, not remember academia. Now I’m in a jam and have nothing to draw on, no foundation and as such cause great sadness for hubby.
I’m so distraught, overwhelmed, and feel like I have nowhere to turn. So many topics, so much that doesn’t go round up in my head that goes in other people heads. How do they remember things? I try to learn and I have to spend so much time. I have to repeat things over and over again, so much that it makes people tired. How do I go on like this? How do I function and work through it all? It hurts inside so very much. I’m such a burden.
I have a report for science to do by Monday. I don’t know where to begin. I tried to pick a topic and that one didn’t work so picked another topic and I don’t know how to answer the questions so don’t know if I can do that either.
I feel so alone, defeated, and overwhelmed by it all. What am I to do? I’m only frustrating hubby and I don’t want to ask him to help. It would only frustrate him more. I feel so useless, inadequate, and bummed. The emptiness overwhelms me. I hate being this way. I hate it. I wish I had someone to help me, walk through it with me. What to do now?? Where to go from here?? Blank.
I’m just too much, too much for others to handle. At this point, I wish I had walked away from life in early 2010 because then I wouldn’t be such a burden on others. So alone. So very alone and numb. Tears haven’t come to my eyes but they are in my heart. My heart is broken.”
Today’s Mended Heart
Currently:
Today, June 16, 2014…….
So very thankful I didn’t give up, that I DO have someone to walk me through it all: a soul mate. Hubby. He did help me through the dull drums that day in November 2012 and we went on to succeed.
The success was outstanding….. 
My graduation as Magna Cum Laude with a 3.82GPA in the top 8.67% of the graduating class in the School of Business.
Yes, today, I do understand so much more than I did 18 months ago. In 6 months from now I will be graduating with my Masters of Science in Accounting.
Today, I can comprehend and understand so much more…
My vocabulary is not that of a 5th grader any longer, my ability to comprehend has dramatically increased, and my retention abilities have created a foundation of things allowing me to build upon it daily, adding new things continually.
Today I am so glad I am alive! I truly AM blessed. I have a wonderful soul mate. I love you Sweetheart! You’ve given so much.
thumbelina thinks 