Loyalty

Commitment and communication along with love and respect for one another are four components of a wonderful and life-long marriage. A committed spouse is one who will honor the other spouse with a dedicated loyalty which cannot be broken because each spouse believes totally in their vows “till death do us part.” No matter what happens, the loyal spouse team will build the other up, protect the union, forgive where forgiveness is due, and provide the utmost of care and support for the other.

Another area of the marriage team that many couples, especially in this day and age neglect, is that of emotional baggage or childhood traumas that must be exposed and healed. Dealt with much like one would deal with an onion and peeling those layers till the end of the pain is either gone or neutral. Neutral pain is that pain that is at a normal level, one in which if you were to cut your hand, the average Sally would react in the same way.

When my hubby married me, my emotional baggage FROM not only childhood traumas but also from my previous marriage was a heavy load and the load was to become much heavier than I, much less him, could have ever imagined.  I didn’t know just how broken I was at that point because I had no idea what lay ahead.

As the almost last 4 years have progressed, we have progressed emotionally about 5 years. When we married, I was on the level emotionally much of the time to that of a 3-6 year old. Now, today, that emotional level is more towards the 9-10 year old. While we have a long way to go still, progress is being made.

That commitment, communication, support, encouragement, love, and care for my brokenness brings me closer every day to becoming a whole person. Each time hubby goes to my counseling with me, takes me to my chiropractor, spends that time talking to me about this issue or that issue, his righteous indignation over the horrors I’ve experienced, that trust he builds with me daily…builds me up more and more.  Adversity?  Absolutely!!  Committed? You bet. Loyal? Certainly!
Each issue I have, he makes an observation followed by some critical thinking on a deep, deep level, followed by an inquiry. For example, last Easter I was going to go buy some groceries and milk. I had planned to go to Aldi not realizing they were closed on Easter.

I dropped him off at work and headed merrily down the road, arrived in the parking lot and discovered to my dismay, that they were closed. I didn’t know what to do. I headed over to Wal-Mart but with all the kids screaming even in the parking lot, I could not think and did not know what to do. I happen to be on the phone with Momma at the same time and while it was a good thing, I lost it. I didn’t know how to figure out my problem.

I texted him and told him “I failed” and he asked what I meant. I texted back and told him I couldn’t do the shopping and was going home. Once home, I hung up with Momma, came in the house, and cried. I failed. I was such a bad wife. I didn’t deserve anything but punishment.

Obviously by now my readers are probably wondering who I was that day. I’m here to tell you that while I don’t know who I was, I know that I was NOT the competent adult but a child, maybe older child, but still a child driving that van.

In his dedication and desire to help “us”(our internal system and I) find a resolution to the problem, he inquired of me…”Were you ever able to ask for help when you couldn’t do something growing up?” to which I replied, “I always was required to figure it out on my own or be punished.” Therein lied the problem and therein lied the solution. From now on if I got into a situation like that, I was to ask for help from him and if he couldn’t help me, then I was to ask from another be it Momma or another friend and I was most certainly NOT a failure. Whoever it was that couldn’t do what needed was most certainly NOT a failure either but lacked the skills needed, due to the childhood traumas, to ask for help.

Once again, like my post “On Perfection,” hubby used his kind words, his observatory skills (and man does he have an arsenal of them), and his deeply loving care to share those things with me to help me succeed, to help me learn another set of skills I didn’t know. A man who would take a woman of 40+ years old who was a basic child emotionally and teach that child those emotional tools for life is a man who is loyal and knows what loyalty is.

To my hubby, I love you more than you’ll ever know. The risks you took in marrying me filled with the mission and desire to take the broken and shattered pieces of my life and put them together has taken so much work, love, patience, skill, compassion, and dedication to me, to your mission, and to our marriage. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. While I know we have a long journey ahead still, I know you will be right there beside me all the way. I love you. Your Sugar.