“The Bar”
There are several aspects to this blog post. Starting out with something I’d written 18 months ago as can be seen at the beginning, followed by something just a month ago, and ending with something today. Truly I’m learning I don’t have to be perfect and I’m not a slave to make everything perfect. I’m human just like everyone else. While I can have a goal of best, if I don’t achieve that goal, I’m not to be criminalized either. The journey towards wholeness means freedom.
Written January 2013:
Over the last few days I’ve once again wondered what my hubby expects of me, wondered if I was doing right, wondered, wondered, wondered…. you name it and fill in the blank…K?
Well, I gave him an omelet for dinner on Friday night full of potato, ham, onion, – you name it, it was in there!! I felt so guilty though…. like I was not doing right by him. My insecurities what they have been, I asked him again what his expectations of me where. He’s always had none and I’m not used to living with none. Also, I grew up in such a performance oriented love – which by the way I have recently found out isn’t love at all but acceptance which I never could achieve because I was never *good enough* – where the *bar* was set so high I could never reach it.
So, after dinner and a 4 belch compliment, I asked hubby once again what his expectations of me were and told him about said *bar*. I also had been told that I had very *unrealistic expectations* for myself but that when I don’t know what the expectations are, then my childhood expectations of it all kick in.
Here is where it gets wonderful because he said first off- we need to get rid of that *BAR.* He said “It’s about time then that we get rid of that bar.” No more bar. Then he told me that he has no expectations of me at all, that I do better than his first wife, and I’m doing fine.
I asked him “How am I doing on the house?” He said the house is just about perfect, he doesn’t have to do his own laundry, I do just about right on dishes though I miss a day here and there it’s fine, I make the bed here and there and it is fine, he doesn’t have to worry about tripping on anything during the night from bedroom to bathroom – a 45 foot trek one way – and that he felt comfortable. I was just about right.
So, then I asked him about meals and he said that I am just about right there too… no complaints and that he enjoyed something different for dinner like the omelet. Also I needed to not worry about perfection unless I was doing for catering! He appreciated my efforts and I’m perfect just the way I am.
SO, while my home isn’t the cleanest in mansions and glass castles, he doesn’t want it to be and he wants me to not feel so guilty for unrealistic expectations that he hasn’t even set. No ax will fall and all is well in his land.
He finally was able to tell this to the “right” gal on the inside. While I’ve asked him many other times about this stuff, the answer hasn’t ever gotten to the right insider so the fears have never subsided….. now? We are starting to relax and be ok with not being that busy Proverbs 31 woman we have been conditioned to be. It is but a step in the healing process; however, we can relax and we know we are loved for who we are even though we knew before we were loved for who we are, now we know we are really loved for who we are because there is no performance needed. Performance is for acceptance and acceptance can’t be given if the bar is continually raised. So, no bar, no performance needed, complete acceptance given and full no-strings, completely unconditional love for me from hubby…. I’m truly *blessed* beyond all comprehension. This is the man who literally and truly *saved* my life 3 years ago this past week. I love my Sweetie so much. He is my all, my hubby, and my love.
Fast forward to today with a post from May 9 as well:
As I think about today and the strides of the last 18 months since the original entry, I think about how much easier keeping up the house is, how much nicer my home is, how much I have learned, and the extremely loving hubby I have. Just a month ago I’d written this in a group on facebook:
May 9:
Even though I have been married to my loving hubby now almost 4 years, I still can’t get used to the care. In my former life, even when I had school work to do at night plus was in school during the day, the dishes and house was my responsibility no matter what……. oh, and then when I began piano – I had to also get in my practicing time but that house better be clean.
Now, hubby tells me when I say, “I’m such a bad housekeeper,” that we’ve been pretty busy of late. School has been very time consuming. That used to not ever matter I told him. He said, “that was then, this is now, you have a different life now” and yet, I still can’t get used to it. I don’t know that I’ll ever.
Never before have I been allowed to NOT complete the housework if I had a plausible reason for getting behind or not getting it done daily. It was never an excuse……. ever. I still don’t excuse myself but he feels I am too hard on myself…. there is a reason and that reason is very plausible.
Wow…..wow….wow. It’s almost 4 years and still…….. I’m dumbfounded at the love, care, compassion, gentleness, and forgiveness when I falter. To him, I’m always “good enough,” no….. “Just right!”
Hubby’s love for me doesn’t change but only grows….. his care, concern, and compassion only intensifies…. Yesterday when I mentioned the upcoming Father’s Day to him and that I knew the restaurants would be packed, he said that they probably wouldn’t be as packed as Mother’s Day because the dad’s get stiffed. I told him that most likely rather than stiffed, is the mom’s stay home and do up a big family function for dad. I told him I’d tried but I was not ever “good enough.” He told me once again, I was always “good enough” but that my spouse had just an over inflated opinion of himself and couldn’t see the beauty in me and my efforts….. see, hubby just keeps working to build me up… to show me he cares…. To be that hubby I have needed, to be that man in my life I never had….. to show me how men are supposed to care for women…… I truly AM blessed beyond all measure.
thumbelina thinks 